Tuesday, 1 April 2014
Some Of My Secrets Revealed
So, I told you I would reveal more about my past and why I keep my secrets for so long in this post, so I'l just get straight to it. I keep wanting to tell my closest and most trusted friends my secrets and the rest of my past, but my mind shuts down my voice before I have the chance to say a word about them. My mind is so kind, isn't it? Just kidding! It's good for keeping secrets from people I don't want to share with, but not good when I'm finally ready to share them.
Luckily, one of the few ways to reveal my secrets without my mind shutting me down is to type them out. So you get to learn the remaining bits of my past and a few of my secrets because of that reason! So here we go, finally getting this stuff out in the open! Yep, pretty exciting for me, but I'm guessing you're also excited to learn some new stuff about me! I'll start with the remains of my past that are locked away in my mind (no, they do not have anything to do with my PTSD, well, one thing is from around that time, but didn't contribute). I will write if it's before the event that caused PTSD, at the time the PTSD would be starting, or if it's after I have left the place that gave me PTSD.
Before PTSD: My first school, it was a quiet private school, with not that many people and nice uniforms. Yeah, I think I was one of the few kids that liked the uniforms. But on to the important parts of this paragraph, this school was where I first got bullied. You're probably asking why a quiet person like me got bullied, but I also wasn't as quiet back then. Sure, I was a bit quiet, but I would go up to people and introduce myself and invite them to join my friends and myself. That rarely happens anymore, but I'll continue the story.
I hated the bullying, and my closest friend would stick with me an defend me (I wasn't the best at defence then). I tried to befriend the bully, but my plan backfired. Some of my friends refused to hang out with me because I tried to turn the bully into a friend. When I told my friends I was trying to befriend the bully, they promptly left the lunch table in search of one far from me. Guess they forgot the Golden Rule (which I was trying to use on the bully), 'Treat others as you want to be treated'.
Later that year, the bully left the school, and all returned to normal (not PTSD yet, that comes at the second school). There were other incidents that made me lose confidence, and started what I call, 'Micah's Do Everything As Quick As You Can' problem. I wasn't supposed to have homework (special exemption because homework is too stressful for me, along with Roman Numerals, had an exemption for those, too), yet I would still get given homework. Then I would get in trouble for doing the homework as quickly as I could while getting ready to go home.
And there is the explanation for why I always do things so quickly. I've been told to slow down while working, while I'm walking (I occasionally will talk faster, but not often), typing something up, reading, pretty much for whatever I'm doing, I do quickly. But not around horses (unless I'm late, but that's different), horses always manage to keep me going at the perfect pace.
Around a year or at the same time PTSD was starting up: This is about how I was betrayed by many people all in the same few years (rough estimate, not sure which of these friendship/trust betrayals came first). I'll start with the first betrayal, it was on of my closest friends at the second school, we'll call them... Yeah, I don't know what name I should give them, so each person will be Traitor then a number.
So, this is the story of the first betrayal by Traitor 1, Traitor 1 quickly befriended me. They weren't as popular as the other kids, but then again, I wasn't really either. We got along well, and after a few months, they started up with lies. They would lie about things, if I said I had something, they had it, but then their sibling accidentally ruined it, so it got thrown out. Then lying about loving the same things I did, things like horses, wolves, movies, books, etc.
Then one day, I walked over to say hi, and I was ignored. When they finally decided to talk to me, all they told me was that we weren't friends anymore, and that I wasn't allowed to hang out with them anymore. Feeling rejected and used (and I had been used, trust me), I searched for a new group of friends. And I found a new group in mere minutes, and it was great! They were a diverse group, and they all got along so well!
Then Traitor 1 decided I was allowed to hang out with them and be their friend again, and I fell for it. The next day, the same thing happened, I got rejected. I fell for that a few more times, then I finally realized what was happening after being told by my closest friend in the new group. My new closest friend and I were a grade older than the rest of the group, and both suffered a harsh rejection. The rest of the group said it was for our own good, as we wouldn't be having the same recess anymore. It wasn't fun being kicked out of the only group that would accept the two of us, so you can probably figure out how I felt, being rejected again.
Neither of us were happy, and we ended up hanging out alone with each other, as it seemed we would always be rejected. We became such close friends, and it was amazing! Neither of us ever rejected each other or used the other, and this was my first friend that invited me over to their house! That had never happened before, so I could tell we were true friends. Then PTSD happened, and I avoided school and we didn't really see each other anymore.
Probably the summer after I left the second school: Enter Traitors 2, 3, 4, and 5. We were a tight group of friends, and we hung out nearly every day (we lived close enough for this to be possible), but none of us really went to the same school. Later they all ended up at the same school, but that's a different story for another day. Traitor 2 betrayed me first, bullying me and excluding me. Then Traitor 2 got one of the others to join him, hence the name Traitor 3 (Traitor 3 is now one of my closest friends, and told me they're side of the story, they were being by Traitor 2 also, but they thought if they copied Traitor 2, they would be safe).
It was horrible, but I slowly adapted to leaving and just sitting on my front lawn crying. Later, Traitor 4 entered the picture. Traitor 4 was worse than Traitor 2 and Traitor 3 combined, so I was having a hard time adapting, the one other member of the group who got bullied like me would always leave with me. Soon, I got the harshest yelling at I had ever received. I went to visit my mom and dog, who were down at my house. Traitor 4 didn't know why I was walking away (I knew they wouldn't want to come with me), so apparently I "abandoned them" by going to say hi to my mom and dog. I mean, seriously? If you saw your mom and dog going out for a walk, would you not go over, say hi, and pet your dog?
Yeah, I refused to hang out with Traitor 2 and 4, as Traitor 3 was quite nice when the others weren't around. Traitor 3 soon got tired of being pushed around, and joined me also. The remaining three of us got along just fine, until Traitor 5 began to emerge (see the pattern yet?). Traitor 5 decided to only care about their looks and status at school, so the group was reduced to two members.
Traitor 3 was no longer Traitor 3, and we were such close friends. Traitor 1 was calling my house a lot, but I never picked up the phone, never fell for those tricks again, and I was safe, for a little bit. Traitor 4 was now continually coming to see if I wanted to hang out, and my friend and I would fall for the tricks. Constantly yelled at and used, I'd had enough of this. I came up with a great strategy, and I no longer worry about Traitor 4 coming to see me. I would always pretend to be busy, and it worked. You'd think they would notice that I was always busy when they came to visit, and would have to leave when they came and the one person and I were out.
Thus marks the end of the Traitors, and as Traitor 3 was now a close friend, we still hang out even now. I will never forget these moments, and combined with the teacher that gave me PTSD, I'd say my trust would be super super hard to earn. Even now, my secrets rarely get told, these memories locked in my mind, trying to get out. This is the day those memories finally get set free, even if I'm not really speaking them to my friends, this is the best I can give them, unless they ask me about this, then they probably will get more information out of me. Here's the perfect song for this post, pretty much about finally telling your secrets and your past, Secrets by OneRepublic.
PS: Sorry this post was so long, but it was needed.